Driving the XMen Nuts
by Go10
Summary: No, the world doesn't need saving. It's not going to end. But it sure feels that way for the X-Men when they try to teach a certain teenager to drive...
1. Default Chapter

Standard Disclaimer: None of these characters are mine.  Wah!

A/N: I'm not really up to date on the X-Men universe (I'm really out of touch lol) so I'm just going to do what everyone else does and call this an A/U fic

            There it was, the Xavier Institute of Higher Learning, the safe haven where mutants from different parts of the country, the world, came to learn and utilize their powers under the protective guidance of Charles Xavier.  It was also home and headquarters to one of the greatest band of heroes that ever existed, the X-Men.  It was a relatively slow day at the mansion.  There was no commotion, no sense of urgency that came with the emergence of a crisis or disaster that had to be dealt with ASAP.  No, there was none of that today.  Everything, for once, was all right in the world…

            Until an angry Canadian barged through the front door, accompanied by a steady stream of colorful curses no less.    Wolverine, otherwise known as simply Logan around these parts, was mad.  It wasn't the kind of 'I'm fine I'll cool down in a minute' anger that came with running into a couple of thugs that thought they had an easy target and wanted to have some fun.  It wasn't even the 'I'm having a bad day' kind of anger that came with knowing that all was wrong with the world today but at least you'll have tomorrow.  No, this was one bona-fide 'I'm tethering at the edge of berserker rage' kind of mad.  

            Remy Lebeau, having an amicable chat with a certain auburn haired, Southern beauty otherwise known as Rogue, noticed this.  He gave Logan a quick glance before redirecting his charm back to Rogue.  He didn't want to get tangled with the Canadian right now.  Not while they were in close quarters anyway.  

            Rogue, who either had a death wish or had no such concerns, brought up his unspoken question.  "Wuts da matta, sugah?  Sounds like you had a tousle with Sabretooth or somethin'." 

            Wolverine, who was busy reducing a wall into masses of rubble with his adamantine claws, stared into the Southern belle's concerned eyes with sparks of rage dancing in his own.  He went right back to working on the walls.  Using every strike on the wall as emphasis on his words, he said, "You….don't….know….how….much….I….wish…that..was…da case!"  

            At the moment, a joyous Jubilee walked through the front door.  She kicked the door closed behind her with transparent glee.  "Man, that rocks!"  She walked right up to Logan and gave him a tight hug.  "Wolvie, thanks for everything!  We gotta do that again!"  Relinquishing her tight hug, she said, "So..when's the next driving lesson?"  

            Wolverine only grumbled and walked away.  This brought on snickers from Remy and Rogue.  Fighting back laughter, Rogue said, "That's it?  And me and Gambit thought it was somethin' serious!"  As if those words were the key to opening up the floodgates of laughter, the duo doubled back in a joyous uproar.  

            "W-wut happened, petite?" Gambit barely managed to say.

            Jubilee brought up her hand as if to suppress a giggle.  "I…guess I scared him more then usual today, that's all."

            At this, Remy and Rogue just laughed more.  Jubilee joined in, remembering her Wolvie's comical expression as they blazed down the runway at 80 mph.  

After using up their laughter quota for the day, Remy spoke up.  "Looks like da ol' Logan ain't up to snuff when it comes to teachin' a certain belle to drive.  But ol' Remy feels up to da task."  He spoke with the certainty and the suave that was fortified by his many experiences as an X-Men and a thief.  "So wut you say, Cherie?"  He asked Jubilee.  

            Jubilee, who was still a little miffed about her mentor walking out, nodded and smiled.  "Eh, why not?" 

            Wolverine, as if responding to some invisible cue, rejoined the group.  He grabbed Gambit by his jacket.  His eyes were crazed, and they seemed to say, _be afraid…be very afraid.  _"I wouldn't do that if I were you, Gambit," he warned.  

            "Non, mon ami.  Dis ol' thief seen lotsa things.  A pretty lil 17 year old behind a wheel wun scare 'im."   

            Logan's response surprised Gambit.  He laughed like a man who knew the world was going to end but was powerless to stop it, and walked away.  Wolverine's crazed laughter unnerved Gambit.  Chuckling nervously, he wondered if he really knew what he was going to get into.  

A/N: Just getting my feet wet in the world of fanfiction again.  Giving y'all a lil taste.  Hopefully there'll be those who like this fic and review.  If not, I've learned my lesson and decided to write just for the sake of writing alone.  I only have a general outline planned out for this short little fic.  If anyone has any ideas that I could throw in, lemme know.  


	2. Chapter 2

Standard Disclaimer: Y'all know the drill.  I don't own any of the characters.  Though I wish I did.  Of course, if I did, I wouldn't be here typing the second chapter of this fanfiction right now, lol.

A/N: Thanks to all those who reviewed so far.  To be quite honest, 3 reviews was a lot more than I was expecting.  Thanks a lot!

            Remy had seen a lot of things.  Things that quickly turned boys into grown men.  He had thought he'd seen it all.  He was wrong.  He managed a dry chuckle as he realized that once again, he had faced the jaws of death and survived.  He hurried along through the thick of the woods, but thanks to his throbbing head, he barely made much headway.  The world looked like it was taunting him.  The tree before him seemed to split into two.  Quite frankly, Remy got the shit scared out of him as a gigantic face popped out.  

            Logan's.  

            Remy backpedaled in fear and tripped over a lone rock.  He tried to look away but he couldn't help but stare back into the taunting eyes.  The same taunting eyes that warned him just yesterday, was now telling him something else.   

            I told you so, I told you so, I told you so…

            Suddenly, Logan's face morphed into another.  The end result shocked Remy more than a thousand magnetic bolts from Magneto.  Summoning enough courage to face the onslaught bearing down on his head, he scampered as quickly as he could into the shadows, and hid under the motherly arms of a small tree.  

            It was raining now.  The sound of thunder could be heard approaching in the distance.  But Remy didn't dare move.  He was too frightened to.  

~ ~ ~

            It was pouring like hell over the X-Men mansion.  Pacing back and forth in the foyer was the increasingly worried Canadian.  Logan was muttering something indiscernible to the ears of Rogue, Jean and Scott.  Rogue just leaned back against the wall, arms folded, her eyes fixed on the floor a couple feet before her.  Jean stood with her finger held up towards her lips, appearing in deep thought.  Scott simply remained upright, his facial features unreadable.  

            Logan continued pacing the length of the area like a worried father, his eyes glancing backing and forth between the front door and the watch.

            It was midnight now.  

            Cyclops retreated for a quick silence, then returned to break the silence. His voice caused everyone to look up.  "Charles gave me up an update on the current situation.  Remy's somewhere, alone and frightened.  Jubilee, on the other hand, he wasn't able to get a fix on.  It seems that Remy's fear's overloading the Professor's mind.  He can't sense anything but Remy."

            Jean's voice cut in with both surprise and concern.  "But what could be so horrible that it could leave Remy scared out of his mind?"  

            It was then that Jubilee came in through the front door.  All four X-Men stared at Jubilee as if she was the grim reaper.  Jubilee seemed a little off guard with all those strange stares she was receiving.  Still, she smiled, trying to reduce the tension level.  Her teeth seemed to gleam when lightning flashed over the mansion.  

            "What's up, guys?  I'm doing great," she chuckled.  "I can't seem to say the same about Remy though.  I lost him halfway here."  

            "Wut happened, sugah?"  Rogue asked, concerned.

            Jubilee made a thoughtful gesture with her lips and shrugged.  "I dunno.  Maybe Remy really got scared of my driving and scrammed the moment he could," she joked.

            This brought on wary, nervous chuckles from the foursome.  Wolverine's knowing face indicated that he took her seriously.  

            "What exactly happened?"  Logan asked, his gruff voice sounded more like a series of growls instead of intelligent words.  

            "Well, I pulled over after a little joyride around the town near the edge of the woods.  I thought I had a flat tire.  I stepped outside to check it out but it was no big.  Everythin' looked fine but then I looked up.  Remy was gone.  I think I saw his shadow running into the forest, but nah, it couldn't be him, right?  I mean, that'd mean he was running away from me, like he really is scared of my drivin or somethin'.  But then that'd mean my driving is bad! And it isn't all that bad, right Wolvie?"  Jubilee looked over to her friend and mentor.  

            Wolverine didn't say anything.  He just had his eyes downcast, staring at his feet like a child afraid to admit he was wrong.  Jubilee groaned a little, and then she looked to the rest of her friends and fellow X-Men.  They weren't much help either.  Scott hid behind the cover of his ruby quartz glasses.  Rogue stared at the ceiling.  Jean muttered something about never having seen her drive before.  

            Jubilee didn't really know what to say, but then she laughed and shrugged them off.  "Aww you kidders."  She walked over to the kitchen to grab some money from her secret stash.  "Anyways, guys," she called out.  "There's this mall nearby.  It's open!  Haha, that's one of the perks of having a 24 hour mall in Westchester!  Anyway, I need someone to come with me.  I mean, I know that I drove here alone and everythin, but that's cuz Gambit ditched me.  So, anyways.."

            Jubilee walked back to the foyer, thinking that the Logan, Scott and Rogue were still there.  Well, she was wrong.  The foyer was completely vacant, with no signs of anyone being there a minute ago.  

            Jubilee groaned and stomped on her foot.  "Guys! This isn't funny!"  And those four were so quiet about leaving too….  

            The spunky Asian American mall rat nearly resigned to her fate.  Her body slumped, then she proceeded to plod her way up the stairs.  She didn't get very far when she saw two windows slam open near the other end of the mansion.  Lightning flashed again, and for a moment a figure became visible in the distance.  Of course, like the snap of a finger, the figure again became shrouded in black.  The figure began making his way towards Jubilee.  She didn't know it then, but her teeth was chattering.   

            When the figure grew nearer, the light of the foyer illuminated half of his face.  Although the figure was still for the most part dressed in black by the shadows, Jubilee was able to recognize him now.  

            "Gambit.." she whispered.  

            It was obvious that he went mad.  

A/N: I dunno if I should be leaving a cliffhanger like this so early in the story, lol.  Anyway, to anyone who thinks that this fic had taken a serious turn….relax.  Cuz it's not.  You'll see by the next chapter, lol.  


	3. Chapter 3

Standard Disclaimer: The X-Men are all mine! All mine I tell you! Bwahahahahha… 

:: Lower voice :: O yea, btw guys today's opposite day.  

A/N: Thanks for all the reviews so far.  To anyone's who reading this, don't be shy to review, even if there's no constructive criticism or a particular aspect of the story that you'd want to comment on.  Just to know that someone's reading this fic is enough.  Anyways, thankies!

            Gambit's eyes of maniacal glee stayed fixated on Jubilee's retreating form.  His red, smoldering eyes stood out in the darkness, and was further enhanced as lightning crackled overhead.  His lips curved into a confident smirk, then he advanced, appearing ready to pounce on his helpless prey.  

            Jubilee didn't know what to do.  Well, actually there were a dozen things she could do, she thought.  She could throw something at Gambit and run away in terror.  She could temporarily blind him with her powers and hide somewhere in the mansion.  She could call for help.  She could put all her X-Men training to use and combat the wily Cajun.  She knew she could try any of those things.  Instead, she tried to talk some sense into her fellow teammate.  After all, this was Remy, right?  

            "Easy, Remy," she started, saying those words as if to soothe an hysterical horse.  "Relax," she giggled nervously.  "I mean, it was all a little joyride, that's all.  I didn't mean to scare you…..that much."

            As Jubilee backed away some more, Gambit only grew closer.  He laughed.  It seemed heartfelt, as if he was sharing a joke with a friend.  Unfortunately, the laugh seemed somewhat….off balance.  This scared Jubilee.

            "You 'tink it was funny when you gave meh the scer of my life?  'Cuz of you, ol' Remy wun ever be the same.  You jus can't go and drive like dat.  You jus can't do dat to a man!"  Gambit's voice was bordering on the hysterical.  

            "I'm an X-Man.  Ma job iz to protect people.  And you, Cherie, iz pleny dangerous!"  The Cajun pointed a shaky, accusatory finger towards the teenager.  "I'm sorry, Jubilee.  Der ain't a choice.  Remy gotta do dis fer da greater good."  His voice was pained, now, as if he was going to make the hardest decision of his life.  "I gotta do dis." 

            Gambit brought out a card, and Jubilee just stood there like a frozen popsicle.  She was pretty sure she was about to die, and for some reason, she didn't proceed to do anything about it.  She just stood there, hoping that things were going to be better in her next life, or the afterlife, or maybe she'd just remain a ghost, haunting all her friends, she thought.  She waited.  

            And Gambit took a scissor and snipped the card in half.  All the tension was sucked out of the room as Gambit took a breath of relief.  

            "Ah, dat wasn't so bad."  He smiled.

            Jubilee, on the other hand, was dumbfounded.  "What was that?" She demanded.

            "Oh, dat was da….uh, learner's permit dat I swiped from yer bag when I scrammed."

            Jubilee just stared at the Cajun.  Days, months, years and decades seemed to go by before an eruption shook the mansion.  Followed by a series of bangs, thuds and mini- explosions of course.  

            Upstairs, a tired X-Men stirred in his sleep.  Bobby raised his head for a moment, then went back to snuggling with his pillow.  

            "Must be Logan playing with his beanie babies again," he murmured.  


	4. Chapter 4

Standard Disclaimer: Yes, I own the X-Men…and I'm killing them all off in the next comic!  Bwahahahahaha…  

Oh wait…I don't own the X-Men.  That's a bummer..

A/N: In response to a comment: I don't get tired of repeat reviewing.  In fact, I encourage it!  

            It was another dark day for the X-Men.  Rogue, Jean, Logan, Scott and Bobby all huddled together, peering into Hank's x-rays of Remy's brain.  Rogue shook her head.  Jean gasped, taken back by what she saw.  Logan just stared, his grim features set on his face.  Scott appeared to be in extensive thought, but no one could really tell, his eyes obscured behind the ruby quartz.  Bobby, to everyone's surprise, just chuckled at the sight.  Everyone shot him death glares.  Iceman piped down, miffed about having his fun spoiled. 

            Hank, however, just kept on explaining his diagnosis, unaware of Iceman's rude chuckling.  The picture he was dissecting and explaining for the benefit of the teammates fascinated him.  Unfortunatley, it depressed him as well.  After all, this was Remy, not some lab rat.  He was a human being and a valuable member of the X-Men team.  It was sadly ironic that after surviving untold dangers and the likes of near apocalypses, the driving exploits of a 17 year old girl finally got the best of him.  It was so sad, indeed.

            Hank shook his head.  "As you can see," He went on.  "Because of the overwhelming doses of stimulation his brain got due to Jubilation's joyride, his brain 'short-circuited,' so to speak."  

He used a long measuring stick to point to the first x-ray.  "This was Remy's brain activity before yesterday."  The first x-ray was filled to the brim with brain activity.  Hank then pointed to the second.  There was a huge drop off in such activity after the first.  Brain activity, which was indicated as yellow color against the blue of the x-ray's background, resembled something like a small peanut.  Hesitating a bit, Hank pointed to another, and final picture.  In this x-ray, was the image of an even smaller…peanut.

            "This last picture was taken just half an hour ago.  It seems that as time goes on, Remy's brain activity will slowly deteriorate.  I'm afraid that if we don't find a solution as soon as possible, Remy's psyche will be reduced to that of an amoeba's."

            Bobby, who was either suffering from insufficient sleep or was just plain slow today, spoke up.  "But amoebas don't think."

            "Exactly."                     

            Rogue shot up from her seat.  "But der gotta b sumthin we can do!"  

            "Indeed, dear Rogue.  Although the situation seems dire right now, I'm fairly confident that we can come up with a solution to this mess.  But what…disappoints me is that this could've been prevented.  Remy, I suspect, was in an unstable, yet easily salvageable state last night.  But from what I've heard from Jubilation, facing a rage of teenage hormones like he did last night must've further exacerbated his condition.  Where was everybody last night?"

            Beast looked to his teammates for answers.  No one was able to make eye contact, their answers a jumble of mutters about hopping on the blackbird and flying all the way to Florida.  Hank, who never did face Jubilee's awesome powers of commandeering a vehicle firsthand but had received rather gruesome and horrifying accounts on the part of Wolverine, understood their actions.  But that still left Bobby…

            "Bobby," Hank said his name in a fatherly, warning tone.  "Where were you last night?"

            Bobby didn't answer.  He just laid back on his seat with his hands rested behind his head.  His mind was in another world:  In a world filled with joy, where women ran carefree in their bathing suits, only outnumbered by the myriad of different varieties of chocolate.  All the chocolate you could eat…and some Twinkies too.  Bobby reached for a Twinkie, only to see that Twinkie morph into a furry little face, with a pointed hairstyle that could match Logan's any day.  That face was Beast's, and the face mocked him.  The voice spoke in an odd, chipmunk kind of pitch.  "Don't you understand, you insolent fool?  All Twinkies are mine, and mine only to consume and savor at my leisure!  For I am a Twinkie God….!"  

            And just like that, Bobby snapped to reality, his sudden awakening resembling to that of a mild seizure.  "No, Twinkie God, n0o!"

            But there was no miniature, crazy version of Beast to haunt him.  No, there was only the real one, giving Bobby a quizzical look.  

            "Bobby?"

            "Yea?" Iceman said casually, trying to downplay the extent of trauma his dream dealt him.  

            Hank eyed his comrade carefully.  "Bobby, you mustn't have gotten much sleep wherever you were last night," he commented in a suspicious tone, laced in every syllable subtle sarcasm.  

            Bobby laughed.  "Yea, you got it, Hank."  Of course, he had plenty of sleep.  

            "Why was that?  Did the commotion that ensued last night keep you awake?"  

            "Uh…yea."

            "Then why didn't you take action and assist your teammate in your time of need?"

"No! Wait, I was fast asleep last night!  I mean…"

            "So you _slept_ through the night while your fellow teammate was getting severely traumatized?"

            "No! Well yeah.. I mean n0!"  It was growing obvious to Bobby that he wasn't going to win here.  He had a perfectly good explanation for his absence when Remy needed him the most, but he couldn't go and tell that he thought it was Logan playing with his beanie babies!  That was suicide.  He intended to keep all his internal organs intact.  

            "I was asleep," he said glumly.

            "I see," Cyclops acknowledged, choosing to end his silent observation of the situation.  "You know what this means, Bobby.  You failed in your duty as an X-Men, in the mansion of all places.  When the Professor gets back, I don't know what he'll do with you."

            "Indeed," said Beast.  "For all we know, Remy might not return to normal.  I can only imagine what sort of punishments the Professor might designate."  He proceeded to list the possibilities: mundane chores, house arrest, suspension from the danger room, etc.  Bobby winced at all the possibilities, but nothing could prepare him for what Wolverine proposed.

            Logan's grim line widened to a feral grin, his wicked eyes hinting at something horrible.  He gave Bobby one look, and immediately he wished that he could run away somewhere.  

            Really fast.

            Logan raised Bobby's hand.  "I volunteer Iceman here to be Jubilee's next teacher!"

            Iceman sighed.  He could breathe easy now.  "Nice try, Logan, but you gotta remember that Remy got rid of the learner's permit."  

            "Oh, about that," Jean cut in.  "I called the DMV this morning.  They issued another permit right away."  She winked at Bobby like she was the devil.  

            "What?"  Bobby raised his voice, disbelieving.  

            "Dis means yer teachin' Jubilee, bub," laughed Logan.

            "N0o!"

            "Oh yes, my friend," added Hank.  "I don't usually agree with our Canadian teammate, but I must say that I agree that this punishment is proportionate to the deed.  Rather clever idea too, I must add."

            "No!  You don't understand!"  Bobby was growing desperate now.

            "Oh, we _do_ understand," Scott teased, joining in on the fun. 

            "I, uh, I got kids!"

            "No, you don't got kids, bub," said Logan.

            "But I _wanna_ have them someday!"  

            Iceman shot up from his chair now, his eyes searching for any sort of sympathy among friends.  Everybody looked away, except for Logan and Rogue, who dragged him through the door.  Like a stubborn dog, Bobby clawed at the floor all the way to the exit.  Fear gave him strength, and he made marks on a surface that one would think only adamantium can penetrate.

            Bobby rushed out his last words.

            "Please! I'm sorry!  I know what I did was wrong but it was an honest mistake!  I'll never do it again.  Pleeeassee! I'll be a gooooooodddd booooooooooooooooyyyyyyy…."

            Just like that, his dreams and fantasies disappeared.

            But his nightmare was just beginning…

A/N: If anybody's wondering where the other X-Men are..they're around.  Just takin' a vacation or somethin'.  


End file.
